February’s Catharsis

Here we are, after midnight on the 7th of February 2013 and this is now my last full day as an American in America. I will be traveling to England on Friday at 9:10 pm and will then be with my husband, starting our new life together.

That’s a very powerful sentence right there. Perhaps one of the most powerful things I have thought aloud or written down to myself. I’m declaring that in less than 48 hours my status will have changed in a very physical way and all that represents my Life in the United States will be no more, at least not as it was, and will I will now be officially not only a Wife but legally living abroad. I would have never guessed any of this would happen two years ago.

What’s happening in my head right now?

That my husband, Kenneth, can never EVER say “I love you more”, at least without also saying “even though you quit your job, vacated your home, donated almost everything you own and brought yourself and your cats to live 5,000+ miles away from your family, friends and career.”

He says “I love you more …” a lot and I know he does love me a LOT. He has spent a lot of money to make this happen from visits to wedding to me coming over to England. He’s put a lot of blood, sweat and tears  into this relationship so no one can dispute that ever. But it is also an extremely powerful act to do what I’m doing, leaving the place I grew up, saying good bye to family and the people I have known my entire life. This isn’t just something one does for the heck of it but rather this is something one does when they have committed to really, truly loving someone else enough to put 5,000 miles of distance between themselves and EVERYTHING.

Let’s talk about this “everything” (aka chaotic mess of things in my head). I have had a lot of anxiety in my life surrounding separation and moves. Hey, I just have a LOT OF ANXIETY. I’ve experienced a lot of flux, in my personality, my self esteem and in all other aspects of “self”. I most certainly reflect right now on how much separation anxiety I had as a child (I won’t go into the genesis of that anxiety now though). It was not an idealistic childhood but certainly, I had a lot of issues being away from my parents as a kid. I can’t tell you how often I got in trouble for sneaking out of slumber parties and trying to walk home in the middle of the night. This anxiety has stayed with though the center of the anxiety has changed to other objects, partners, jobs, locations and the list could go on. I have certainly clung to any stable situation for dear life, even if it was unhealthy (and usually was). Now though, there is nothing to cling to any more and that is cathartic to be sure.

And let’s talk about that word, “cathartic” (as I blather in an unfocused manner for a moment as usual). If “Katharsis” is Greek for “purification” and that is where the modern form of “cathartic” comes from, this situation qualifies as a “purification”.

Everything up until thirty-three years old has been a struggle for stability, for belonging somewhere. I’ve searched in my personal relationships and in my career but had not found that place of belonging truly. And then I met Ken who related to me on many levels and accepted me completely, even though, as I say “I never told you I was sane.” Here is a feeling that someone will protect me in a way I’ve not felt protected, shelter my feelings and respect me. I feel this way too. I’m very nurturing and very loving. What I lack in just about every single solitary area of Life, I surely make up for in Love and Understanding.

Back to purification, we take that thing which we do not know how strong it is and we try to break it, burn it, smash it and put it through every test we can to ensure that it will withstand that which may come. We purify gold by fire to remove the impurities so that all that is left is strong, beautiful gold. Like relationships, it’s tested over and over to ensure that what is left at the end is strong and able to withstand.

The catharsis here comes from all the things I see behind me and stepping through the darkness into the unknown, as painful as it is, and having no choice but to be tested. To purge the past, being relieved of past pain even if letting it go is in itself painful and choosing to endure the uncertainty in order to reach a new state of being. Psychologically, it is to release emotions that while painful are also “stable” in order to achieve a release thus coming out the other side by way of experiencing the pain.

Geez, that sounded pretty profound? Or perhaps I made it sound pretty horrible. But it isn’t. It’s wonderful. I’m scared shitless and right now the sensation of anxiety in my chest right now makes me feel like I’m going to throw up. I have a lot of anxiety about separation but I have experienced so much instability and separation that it’s silly to be so anxious! This is my trial by fire in the name of Love: experiencing the painful anxiety, walking into a new unknown and by faith in my husband’s Love for me, I give myself over to the concept of Newness. Rebirth in it’s own way.

Because you know what, the past is Dead. We are all Alive and new things through every trial we experience. We may not realize that but we are. Yet like a lizard trying to shed it’s skin, we struggle to be free. What’s morbid is on an emotional level, even if we shed that skin we still keep it hanging in the closet to remind us how painful it was to shed. I do that and I know a lot of people do as well. At some point though, as much as it hurts and we mourn the past, it must be over.

I couldn’t control a lot of things that happened in my Life. And many things I could but felt powerless. Those things are neither bad nor good because they simply “are”. It is easy to be trapped in situations because we either have no control or feel we have no control even when we can effect the outcome. No one can turn time back and try to gain control over the past. All we can do is accept that the future is limitless and our potential should know no boundry. I’m not saying to do this everyone needs to have a partner but I can say that if you do, it is a new reason to move forward.

I’m really babbling now.

Where was I? Oh yeah! Ken tells me “I love you more …” all the time. To him I say “do you?” and when I say it, I’m thinking “do you know  that each moment, I am steeling myself against anxiety and that I am changing even if you do not see it.” I say “I love you too …” and I mean that in my estimation, I love him every bit as much as he loves me. One can show they love you by the tasks they complete and they can show you by the trials they endure.

What these little exchanges mean to me is that you’ll never entirely know what any other person experiences. You may know where they are from, what they have done, what they may know, who they may spend time with but you will never know the extent to which their experiences effect them. You can love them for all the things you know and yet do not know about them. I accept that there are many unknowns in each person and that only they can decide what direction they are moving and take the next step.

In short, I guess I’m saying  that this is the next logical step. And that I love Ken every bit as much as he loves me. I think he knows that. He may not know or understand how everything up til now has effected my thoughts, my actions and the future that looms ahead but I know. I hope he will continue to have compassion for my struggles. As a person, flesh, blood and insecurities, I know I will struggle in many ways.

Is the test of who you are your struggles or how you conduct yourself in times of struggle? Eh, who knows?

Well the anxiety is making me antsy and nauseated. I should try to sleep. Stupid sinus infection. Bah. I hope the preceding made something resembling sense. Considering I’m just an average, everyday person who shares their thoughts and feelings in a non-professional manner, I can safely end this post with “eh”.

– k