Blog Post / To My Husband

It’s a Tuesday, not unlike many Tuesdays before it and presumably many Tuesday after it but it’s the third Tuesday of the rest of my Life. It’s the third Tuesday since Kenneth Tague married me. It’s the first most lonely Tuesday I’ve spent in my Life and probably the loneliest to come (I hope if I can be so lucky). We’re not together tonight, again not unremarkable since we’ve been so far away but it’s more oddly unique and noticeable than before.

It is subtle, the changes you see in yourself after you get married. It’s probably different for everyone and in that way, the same for everyone.  I think what I first noticed was a palatable fear. Yes, fear, prior to getting married.

How would I change?

How would my Life change?

Would I wish I’d done anything during our engagement differently? 

How would I change? I was scared as I’m sure most brides and grooms are. You wonder a about a lot of things and it can feel like you’re in a giddy, lightheaded state where you’re looking over the edge of a cliff and you don’t know if you’ll sink through air and crash against the rocks. You wonder …

But then I stood there in front of you and I wasn’t scared any more. *wipes tears* I just loved you.

And suddenly the giddy, lightheadedness was the feeling like growing wings and being free. Not encumbered as one may fear they would be once they get married but rather safe and liberated. I’ll be honest when I say that I don’t think it was just the relief of getting the ceremony over. I really felt safe and like someone who’d been chased by some horrible monster so long they forgot they were afraid until someone came from the darkness and slayed the monster. That incredible sense of safety and peace.

Yes, darling, even IF mountains crumbled to the sea there would still be YOU and ME.

I can’t say by any stretch of the imagination am I perfect. I am so far from it, I can see it waving and laughing at me from here. How he seems to  … notice it but be completely ok with my crazy … I guess that’s love, isn’t it? I see little quirks in him but I’ll be damned if they bother me. Rather, I find them endearing … I suppose it’s the same.

We’ve been married a whole … geez, a month this weekend. It’s very strange not being together right now. I’m sure we’ll look back, soon I hope, on this and laugh. Right now though, it feels like exile in sameness. Exile in immovable pastness. It feels sticky and lonely and a little tear stained. It feels as sore as my body does, like an ache that won’t be healed until he wraps his big arms around me and makes a “fishy face” at me.

How would my Life change? I don’t know yet, that remains to be seen. You’re probably laughing because of the obvious “moving to England”, “being married”, well, yes. However, you’re Life is not only comprised of where you live, the status of your relationship but about the deeper feelings and random things that run through you head and heart. Life exists each moment no matter your mobility, your emotions, your social status, your economic status … it moves and you move with it as if on the tide.

How will anything change? Yes. It all will change because change comes and you cannot keep it at bay long. And from this vantage point, things are changing for the better no matter how still things may seem to be in the immigration process, my hand is forever bound to my Love’s.

Would I wish I had done anything differently …? No, not really. Yes a lot of things about the wedding itself and maybe I wish I had known more about the UK Border Agency requirements but the “grand scheme” things?

Not at all. In all the chaos, I’ve found a greater and deeper appreciation for everyone I know and for Life in general if even on a microcosmic scale. I’m tremendously lucky and loved. If nothing else, every snafu and hiccup that occurs in Life brings you closer to the moments of joy, if but fleeting, that we experience.

I guess that’s how I’m feeling now … a bit teary, a lot lonley, not very eloquant but all in the same, I just miss my “hubby-bubbles”.

All in all, as Tori said “a pretty good year”. Mostly because I spent it getting to know and love Kenneth evermore.

love – k